Now, we’re on to episode 3 Dead Man’ Party- and no, that isn’t the name as the disappointing after party of the new Pirates of The Caribbean movie. It begins with Clary understandably being fucked off with how the Shadowhunters completely ballsed up protecting Simon. Nice work Izzy.

ALEC: It is true the idea that human beings should have a modicum of common sense.

As Alec appears to be in possession of the team brain cell, he suggests that before they attack the vampires maybe they should have a plan. This leads to the shocking revelation that SHADOWHUNTERS ACTUALLY HAVE LEADERS. My God. I thought the Shadowhunters just consisted of a bunch of moody teenagers running around like headless chickens.

But no, they have leaders but  Clary’s all ‘fuck planning, let’s rush in and save him and get us all killed.’

Team Zoolander stake out a graveyard for clues, and Alec reveals that he is Jace’s Parabatai- which basically translates that Alec is Jace’s whipped gay friend. Meanwhile, we learn that all shadowhunters (including Clary) have angel blood and then Jace and Clary turn up the heat with sexy weapon’s practice. Because nothing says sexy times like learning how to impale your enemy.

Speaking of sexy times, it’s wall to wall sex as Izzy has sex with what can only be described by less attractive Legolas. She questions Legolas and, as Seelies can’t lie, he tells Izzy that he is the female vampire’s lover and how to sneak into their lair.

Meanwhile, the vampiress is having sex with Simon because… I don’t know, she’s a female vampire and having sex with all men is the only characterization female vampires ever seem to get. But even so, why? Simon is like the unholy lovechild of Navi and the Duckhunt Dog, why do all these sexy women want to sleep with him?

Female vampire Camille questions him about the mortal cup, and Simon stupidly reveals definitively Clary has no idea where it is and Camille realizes Magnus Bane wiped her memory. Seriously Simon. The fact that these vampires want the motal cup is the only thing keeping you alive, you moron. There are loony tunes characters that are shaking their head at you now for falling so easily for the sexy woman ploy.

Jace and Clary go to a vampire bar and steal a frickin’ DEMON POWERED MOTORBIKE and they start flying through the town. Fuck, this is the stupidest, most adolescent wish fulfilment thing I’ve seen,  yet this is the best thing that’s happened so far. Maybe now that we’ve had this scene, this show will stop trying to take itself so seriously.

Now Izzy and Alec are sneaking into the vampire’s lair, and Alec sneers to Izzy that ‘you’re covered in fairy dust’. Izzy manages to restrain herself from grabbing the low hanging fruit for a retort. Instead though, Izzy decides it’s the perfect time to harangue Alec about his sexuality. Seriously. She does this all the way. Because when you’re about to fight a hoard of vampires, nothing helps you keep your allies head in the game like trying to drag them out the closet.

The vampires attack and Izzy fights with a whip. Of course she does.As the vampires run through the narrow opening, Alec picks them off with his bow and arrow and they burst into flame. By the way, Link called- he wants his Fire Arrows back. Clary and Jace easily dispatch the rest of the vampires because apparently the vampires don’t use weapons and just waving around a weapon wildly is enough to win the day. In all the centuries these vampires were alive, you’d have thought they’d have taken a martial arts class or something.

In the end, after all that trouble the vampires just hand over Simon and Clary embraces him in a romantic embrace while telling him how he’s such a wonderful friend, explaining why he’s been strung along like a puppy on a lead for so long.

‘I’ll do anything for you’, ‘you don’t have to die’ , ‘I couldn’t live without you.’ says Clary dramatically.

SHUT UP Clary. Do you have to destroy everyone around you with your tragic foreshadowing? Actually… keep going, Clary. In fact, I’ve got a few lines: ‘Oh Simon, I couldn’t bear it if you turned into a vampire and I had to sew up your mouth like a silent brother and then stake you. Fate would be so unkind.’ Please, please let this happen.


Overall, this was an improvement over episode 2.This concept is just damned, damned silly and say what you will about the acting, but the fact that Dominic Sherwood is able to say ‘Pixies… Nixies… Half Elf… [fairies are] a pretty much catch all term’ with a straight face is impressive.

This show has started to become a little less humorless, with wall to wall sex and fanservice and DEMON POWERED MOTORBIKE (!) The action sequences are completely unimpressive, with little more than our leads waving weapons around and hoping it connects. The world is very interesting, with the politics between the fairies, vampires, the clave and half angels. This show is vastly inferior to shows like Supernatural (at least for the first five seasons)and Buffy, but for silly wish fulfillment fantasy full of attractive people, it passed the time. I don’t know if readers of the book will connect to our lead characters simply because they liked them in the book, but for a new viewer, I still don’t care about any of the characters or feel like there’s connection between them.

RATING: 2 1/2 Femme Fatales trying to Seduce Simon/ 5




For a long time there have been rumors about a Legend of Zelda television series appearing on Netflix (and no, it has nothing to do with that series- because it never happened). It was first reported in this article here, with claims that the series will be like ‘a family friendly game of thrones episode’- presumably instead of the elaborate betrayals, the big plot twist in a Zelda series would be: ‘Oh no! The green thief King with evil eyes is actually the villain! Who saw that coming? (Seriously, how was Princess Zelda the only one who saw this coming?)

However, the owners of the rights to Zelda have since claimed the original article was not based on fact, but have not stated definitively that it won’t happen- suggesting that they would not rule out the possibility. It’s very unlikely to happen, but if it did? How could they make it good? Well, the difficulties would start with the two main heroes: Link and Zelda.

The Hero- How Are We Going To Give This Guy A Personality?

Over 25 years and our tight wearing warrior still hasn’t uttered a word or received much in the way of characterisation

Making Link into a decent hero is my biggest doubt about why this series could work. As pointed out by this article, Link’s personality is the biggest stumbling block in making this series good. Link has always been a bank slate player insert, and no personality  to speak of (except Windwaker Link, but they’re hardly going to go with the Windwaker canon for this show). He is never proactive, only reactive to certain situations, and his actions are solely based on requests and instructions from the people around him. So how do we give this guy a personality?

But if they do it right, this could be an opportunity to give Link a real personality for the first time. One thing that could translate well is his sheer determination; he travels day and night to save Hyrule; he witnesses all the worlds he traveled in ruin. His childhood friend remains a child while he’s become an adult- showing how much he’s lost and far away he is from his chilldhood innocence. I think the personality that would best suit him would see him start off as a carefree, spirited child who is forced to grow up too fast (literally) to save the world, and transforms into a fire forged hero. Either way, I think a lot of his growth would be pushed forwards by the people around him. And no character dynamic will be as important as his dynamic with Princess Zelda.

The Princess-Make Her A Badass Strategist


If this series is going to do well, our resident damsel in distress really needs to stop damselling and start being an awesome character (or stay an awesome character throughout the game. Not take a level in badass and then turn into a flailing victim the minute she puts on a dress- looking at you, Sheik and Tetra). In some of the earlier articles there was talk about it being ‘a boy rescues girl’ story, but that would be a horrible choice for a tv show.

A high fantasy setting, a pretty-boy lead and a magical Princess (not to mention the amount of prominent females this series have) are things that are really going to appeal more to girls- and I honestly think fifty percent (or more) of the potential audience would be female.  We had fought our issues with damsel-in-distress princesses with Disney; now they’ve upped their game with Tiana, Elsa and Anna, and they’re about to up it again with Moana. We expect better and don’t need another 50s Disney princess; now we expect a Princess who’s capable and an interesting character. Zelda needs to be a strong lead. But strong in what way?

When people talk about wanting to make Zelda stronger, they always talk about her improvement in terms of physical prowess. However, what I would like to see from the Princess isn’t necessarily turning her into Zelda: warrior princess  (or Zelda: Warrior Queen like in Hyrule Warriors). Zelda’s the holder of the Triforce of Wisdom, and I always wanted to see her come into her own as a strategist and leader, someone who planned the next move while Link went and collected the Triforce Shards/ Sages etc. In the games her ‘Wisdom’ is more like ‘special purity pureness spirit power’ and her track record for strategy was appalling. Imagine if she became a good leader in the series.

Imagine if Gandorof’s forces were at Hyrule’s Gate; the Royal Family had fallen and Zelda was the last ruler left to defend it. While Link has to travel around the world on a desperate quest to get the Spiritual Stones, Zelda has to quickly learn to become ruler and hold the kingdom, while trying to form diplomatic relations with the Zora and the Gorons. That would be a hell of a lot more interesting than ‘Help! I’m trapped in crystal!’ (why didn’t Ganondorf use the same spell to capture Link? Why does he underestimate Link every single game and go after Zelda? Leave Zelda for later- take out Link first.) So, if the series ever happened, what I’d love to see most from Zelda is not just someone who’s a good fighter, but a brilliant leader.

Would a Legend Of Zelda series on Netflix be a good idea? What would you like to see? I’d like to hear your thoughts in the comments.