Now, we’re on to episode 3 Dead Man’ Party- and no, that isn’t the name as the disappointing after party of the new Pirates of The Caribbean movie. It begins with Clary understandably being fucked off with how the Shadowhunters completely ballsed up protecting Simon. Nice work Izzy.

ALEC: It is true the idea that human beings should have a modicum of common sense.

As Alec appears to be in possession of the team brain cell, he suggests that before they attack the vampires maybe they should have a plan. This leads to the shocking revelation that SHADOWHUNTERS ACTUALLY HAVE LEADERS. My God. I thought the Shadowhunters just consisted of a bunch of moody teenagers running around like headless chickens.

But no, they have leaders but  Clary’s all ‘fuck planning, let’s rush in and save him and get us all killed.’

Team Zoolander stake out a graveyard for clues, and Alec reveals that he is Jace’s Parabatai- which basically translates that Alec is Jace’s whipped gay friend. Meanwhile, we learn that all shadowhunters (including Clary) have angel blood and then Jace and Clary turn up the heat with sexy weapon’s practice. Because nothing says sexy times like learning how to impale your enemy.

Speaking of sexy times, it’s wall to wall sex as Izzy has sex with what can only be described by less attractive Legolas. She questions Legolas and, as Seelies can’t lie, he tells Izzy that he is the female vampire’s lover and how to sneak into their lair.

Meanwhile, the vampiress is having sex with Simon because… I don’t know, she’s a female vampire and having sex with all men is the only characterization female vampires ever seem to get. But even so, why? Simon is like the unholy lovechild of Navi and the Duckhunt Dog, why do all these sexy women want to sleep with him?

Female vampire Camille questions him about the mortal cup, and Simon stupidly reveals definitively Clary has no idea where it is and Camille realizes Magnus Bane wiped her memory. Seriously Simon. The fact that these vampires want the motal cup is the only thing keeping you alive, you moron. There are loony tunes characters that are shaking their head at you now for falling so easily for the sexy woman ploy.

Jace and Clary go to a vampire bar and steal a frickin’ DEMON POWERED MOTORBIKE and they start flying through the town. Fuck, this is the stupidest, most adolescent wish fulfilment thing I’ve seen,  yet this is the best thing that’s happened so far. Maybe now that we’ve had this scene, this show will stop trying to take itself so seriously.

Now Izzy and Alec are sneaking into the vampire’s lair, and Alec sneers to Izzy that ‘you’re covered in fairy dust’. Izzy manages to restrain herself from grabbing the low hanging fruit for a retort. Instead though, Izzy decides it’s the perfect time to harangue Alec about his sexuality. Seriously. She does this all the way. Because when you’re about to fight a hoard of vampires, nothing helps you keep your allies head in the game like trying to drag them out the closet.

The vampires attack and Izzy fights with a whip. Of course she does.As the vampires run through the narrow opening, Alec picks them off with his bow and arrow and they burst into flame. By the way, Link called- he wants his Fire Arrows back. Clary and Jace easily dispatch the rest of the vampires because apparently the vampires don’t use weapons and just waving around a weapon wildly is enough to win the day. In all the centuries these vampires were alive, you’d have thought they’d have taken a martial arts class or something.

In the end, after all that trouble the vampires just hand over Simon and Clary embraces him in a romantic embrace while telling him how he’s such a wonderful friend, explaining why he’s been strung along like a puppy on a lead for so long.

‘I’ll do anything for you’, ‘you don’t have to die’ , ‘I couldn’t live without you.’ says Clary dramatically.

SHUT UP Clary. Do you have to destroy everyone around you with your tragic foreshadowing? Actually… keep going, Clary. In fact, I’ve got a few lines: ‘Oh Simon, I couldn’t bear it if you turned into a vampire and I had to sew up your mouth like a silent brother and then stake you. Fate would be so unkind.’ Please, please let this happen.


Overall, this was an improvement over episode 2.This concept is just damned, damned silly and say what you will about the acting, but the fact that Dominic Sherwood is able to say ‘Pixies… Nixies… Half Elf… [fairies are] a pretty much catch all term’ with a straight face is impressive.

This show has started to become a little less humorless, with wall to wall sex and fanservice and DEMON POWERED MOTORBIKE (!) The action sequences are completely unimpressive, with little more than our leads waving weapons around and hoping it connects. The world is very interesting, with the politics between the fairies, vampires, the clave and half angels. This show is vastly inferior to shows like Supernatural (at least for the first five seasons)and Buffy, but for silly wish fulfillment fantasy full of attractive people, it passed the time. I don’t know if readers of the book will connect to our lead characters simply because they liked them in the book, but for a new viewer, I still don’t care about any of the characters or feel like there’s connection between them.

RATING: 2 1/2 Femme Fatales trying to Seduce Simon/ 5



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